Hi,
I'm new to this site and I'm hoping to find some help. I actually found this website by searching on a the roles of a step-father for my children. I am divorced (for two years), I have full custody of my children (3boys - 9,8,6) and their father gets them every other weekend (this is when he decides to). Utlimately, their father is not very involved and is not what I would consider a good dad. He has remarried and he has a child with his new wife and it seems he has "forgotten" about his existing kids. Anyway, I want someone who will be a "father" figure to my kids and who will love them as his own. I have been dating a guy (for two years) who is 15 years older than me, he has three grown kids, one of which is two years younger than me. Just recently, my son was injured by falling off his bike and I had to bring him to the dentist to remove his front two teeth. Well after leaving the dentist, I call my boyfriend and he sort of dismisses me because he was in a meeting. I told him, if that was his kids he would have asked if all was ok and then said I will call you back after my meeting. He admits he should have asked but told me that its just not fair that I hold him to that standard. I told him that when it comes to my kids I want the absolute best for them and I won't settle for their sake. I told him I could settle for myself but not for them. I know he loves my kids, and he does so much for them, but I feel as if they are slighted by him, that he doesn't do the same things or as much because they are not his own. Am I wrong for expecting this??
He told me when his ex left him, she had called him a narcissist, and I looked up the definition to realize, the profile fit. Of course when thinking negatively, I know your mind can make anything "fit" but I'm not sure if its just me or if he really is. My mom says he is and for me to run. She said she will always respect who I choose, but that she doesn't like him. My problem is I do love him and I'm worried that I'm more afraid of being alone. Just recently (when bringing my son to the ER) a guy gave me his phone number and wanted me to call. So that helped with the being alone factor, but I caught myself judging this guy right off the bat with, would you be a good father, you work nights so I'm not sure you could be there for my kids, etc. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? And I'm afraid my mom is right, my current boyfriend has played so many mind games with me that I'm scared, confused and lonely, which is right where she said he wants me. He does have control issues, he displays this with his kids as well as mine.
I know I rambled on and went all over the place with this, but I'm so confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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I'm with your mom. Run.

However, it is a high standard to hold a boyfriend to in the middle of the day in a meeting. He might have assumed that since you know how to take care of the kids that he was ok.

You are playing the rebound zone but you are not in the emotional shape yet to do it - and it is a tough game. Back away from involvement with a man, and just focus on your own life. you will be in better shape to appreciate one that is right for you.

__________________
Janet



Proud Mama of a United States Coast Guard Academy Cadet!!!

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Our parents and friends tend to see things more clearly than we do when we are in the middle of a situation, especially an emotional one. You are a mom and you are always going to put your boys needs ahead of anybody elses. If you have a gut feeling, or a "mother's intuition", that your children are not being treated as you think they should be, run the other direction. Not every person is capable of taking care of someone else's kids. You have three beautiful children. Concentrate on them and have fun while they are little. Good luck!!!

__________________
Mommy to Frangelica 8, Paul 2 , and a new little girl (Due 9-22)
My Coupon Wish List

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Having been a single Mom for a while I can empathize with the need to have a strong and loving father figure in your kids life. However, expecting a man to come into the picture and love your children as you do is unrealistic. Very few men are able to step into that role and fulfill most of our hopes and expectations. That being said the fact that he did not pause and express concern for your child says something about his character.
Remember, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Ask yourself, what is the WORST thing that could happen if I was alone?

__________________
Elizabeth Kane
Marriage and Family Therapist-I
Life and Relationship Coach
http://www.getexcitedaboutyourlife.info

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My now husband told me this when we first starting dating. " I am dating you because I like you, I am not here to be a father, yet". Please don't "look" for a father for your children. They already have one...even if he is not involved. MY ex is not involved in "his sons" life. Even though he has every other week visitaion...grandma is the person my son goes to see.

When I got involved with my husband I was not looking for a relationship...It just happend. I also was not looking for a father for my child. Now 7 1/2 years later, my son calls my husband daddy by choice. He knows who his father is but chooses to call him by first name only.

One of the things my husband says attracted him to me was that I didn't need him, but he was glad I wanted him in my life. If you are dating, date for you and you alone. Find someone for you not your kids.

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Lessly Proud SAHM to Alejandro and Aiden

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